


Already Gone

by rosethorngirl



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 03:35:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosethorngirl/pseuds/rosethorngirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sheldon and Leonard have been together for three months and they were making plans for a nice future together. At least, that's what Leonard thought; until his entire world is turned upside down and he is forced to make a drastic change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blind Sighted

**Author's Note:**

> **I am formerly known as ffic4life, but I've decided to change my name and post solely on AO3.**
> 
> Title: Already Gone  
> Rating: M/NC-17  
> Genre: Slash, Romance/Angst/Tragedy  
> Summary: Sheldon and Leonard have been together for three months and they were making plans for a nice future together. At least, that's what Leonard thought; until his entire world is turned upside down and he is forced to make a drastic change.  
> Warnings: M/M Sex, Homophobia and Bi-Phobia, Language, and Not So Nice Sheldon At First  
> Author's Notes: So recently I got into Big Bang Theory, and I was instantly hit with how awesome Shelnard is! Yeah, I like Lenny too; but Leonard and Sheldon are like so much more obvious, in my opinion. Therefore, I just had to contribute to this underrated pairing. I want to apologize ahead of time for Sheldon in the beginning of this. It gets better. And I also want to apologize for our boys not seeming quite so scientific, cause hey. I'll freely admit I'm not that smart. (Huh, maybe I shouldn't admit that lol.) But hey, it's a fanfic made for the enjoyment of people who are as obsessed with this show as I am. So if it offends you that much, don't read it. Anyway, I hope people do like this story. Let me know what you think! :D  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Big Bang Theory or anything/anyone associated with it; because if I did, Johnny Galecki would never get to work. *dirty smile* Any and all mistakes are mine.

Chapter One: Blind Sighted

Leonard had never been happier in his life waking up in his shared two bedroom apartment.

No, seriously, he felt like he was floating on clouds or sunshine or whatever the cliché was.

Why?

Because Dr. Leonard Leakey Hofstadter was head over heels in love; and with whom you wonder? None other than his sometimes neurotic and mildly insensitive (to anyone but him, of course) roommate Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper.

For the first time in his thirty-three years, Leonard was content.

It started right after Penny couldn't tell him she loved him back then subsequently dumped him. For days Leonard was torn up inside, wondering what he possibly could have done wrong. He had given her every part of him, and she stomped on him like he was a bug under her shoe. All he kept thinking about was how he was never good enough to be loved by anyone. Not any girlfriend he's ever had not any relative he's ever had – not even his fucking mother!

And when Penny shot him down on top of everyone else, it almost quite literally crushed him. However, when none of his friends seemed to notice his emotional distress, Sheldon was there.

It started small.

Cooking his favorite breakfast twice a week. Giving him encouraging smiles. Defending him when Wolowitz and Koothrappoli teased him (good naturedly for the most part) about the break up.

Subtle enough things that it could be overlooked by anyone but the man that's lived with him for several years.

And eventually it turned into greater things.

Holding his hand at times when they were alone. Not saying anything if he stretches out and his feet touches the infamous "spot." And finally, surprising him (and everyone) with a kiss after going to see midnight showing of Star Trek…with tongue!

To say he had been startled and confused was the understatement of the century; but yet, it was also perfect. And since then, it had only gotten better.

They still hadn't had sex, but Leonard was surprised to find that Sheldon had said he wasn't adverse to the idea of…well…doing it. Yeah, he knows, he thought the overgrown manchild had been replaced by an alien pod person too. And yet, he was sincere.

So now touching, kissing (making out), and hand holding are all very much accepted and embraced. Like seriously, who was the new person living with him?

He rolled over and off the side of his bed with a smile on his face and sighed happily. Sheldon was probably in the kitchen making breakfast, since it was ten minutes past their scheduled time to get up, but in the last couple of weeks his (internal squee) boyfriend had begun to get a little more flexible in regards to schedules and the dreaded roommate agreement.

He pulled his robe on and started down the hall with a spring in his step, anxious to see the love of his life eating his staple bowl of bran cereal and half glass of orange juice. True to form, Sheldon was standing holding his bowl of cereal, but balancing a phone under his ear. Leonard tilted his head in confusion, and forewent giving him his normal hug and kiss for getting a bowl and pouring his own breakfast.

"I understand that, ma; but right now is just not a good time," Sheldon said, sounding exasperated.

To Leonard, it seemed as if the conversation had been going on for a while; but since it was the taller man's mother, he dismissed any worry about the topic being discussed. Opening the fridge, he pulled out his soy milk and topped off his cereal bowl before heading for the couch, wanting to give the man some form of privacy.

"No!" Sheldon barked in reply to whatever was said on the other side, causing Leonard to look up in alarm. "It's not about that!"

The smaller physicist put his spoon in the bowl and observed Sheldon carefully. The taller man was clenching his jaw and gripping the side of their small island painfully.

Leonard frowned.

Sheldon didn't get this worked up very easily and least of all with his mother. His entire world rose and set around that woman. Not that Leonard could blame him, she was a remarkable mom. The kind the dark haired man would've killed for as a kid.

"You don't understand," he continued. "I am very busy – " Sheldon stopped and sighed. "Yes, I know. I miss you too; but…Mother, it's just not that simple!"

Leonard slowly stood and started towards his boyfriend, realizing it was another argument about when Mrs. Cooper could make a visit and feeling as though it was now part of his job to offer emotional support. Though he didn't fully understand what the big deal was. Since they had gotten together, even the name of Sheldon's mother being brought up was consistently met with a coldness that brooked no argument. So, wisely, Leonard always dropped it before an argument could arise.

"I have to go," Sheldon said curtly, he walked to the sink with his half eaten bowl of cereal and put it in. "I'm going to be experimenting with laser technology today, and I need to finish getting ready."

Leonard leaned against the refrigerator as quietly as possible. Wanting to be close enough for comfort but give the other physicist enough breathing room he isn't smothered. Truth be told, it would be a lot easier to help him, if he would just say what the problem was with that part of his life.

Hanging up their cordless phone, Sheldon made a little noise of annoyance and Leonard took that as his cue.

Coming up behind him, the experimental physicist wrapped his arms around his waist and put his face against his back ready to soothe the ruffled feathers and possibly get some kissage in. "Hey," he said with his sexy voice that always made the theoretical physicist shiver, only to frown and trip a little on his robe's tie-rope when the taller man stepped away unexpectedly. "Uh, good morning?"

His boyfriend barely acknowledged him with a nod while finishing off his orange juice.

Leonard was deeply confused. This wasn't typical. At least not in three months of being together it wasn't. "Shelly?" he asked, sounding more unsure than he liked. "Is everything okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" he replied in the monotone he hadn't used in months. "What you were eavesdropping on was my mother wanting to come visit us, and me trying to find a way to not have that happen."

Leonard stared at Sheldon in a mix of disbelief and concern. "I wasn't purposely eaves – "

"Yes, you were," Sheldon stated matter-of-factly. "You thought it would perfectly alright to listen in because of our current romantic entanglement and need for my constant attention."

Leonard's eyes widened, feeling himself forcefully swallow the hurt that sentence caused him. "My constant need for you attention? What are you – "

"I don't have time for this Leonard," Sheldon cut him off and rinsed out his dishes before putting them in their dishwasher. "I have important things I need to prepare for today and this conversation is frankly a bore to me."

Leonard blinked at the love of his life, fighting his urge to shout at him, and then fighting to keep his balance as Sheldon blew past him. He was left standing alone in the kitchen, wondering what the hell had happened. Everything was fine yesterday!

Well, okay, he seemed a little sharper tongued than usual with Penny over dinner; and he did notice once that he had flinched when Leonard had rested his on his shoulder during Caprica. But he hadn't given it a lot of thought.

Now he was coming to a startling conclusion that made his breath disappear and tears to form in his eyes.

Sheldon was getting sick of being his boyfriend. Sheldon was going to dump him.


	2. Beginning of a Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title: Already Gone  
> Rating: M/NC-17  
> Genre: Slash, Romance/Angst/Tragedy  
> Summary: Sheldon and Leonard have been together for three months and they were making plans for a nice future together. At least, that's what Leonard thought; until his entire world is turned upside down and he is forced to make a drastic change.  
> Warnings: M/M Sex, Homophobia and Bi-Phobia, Language, and Not So Nice Sheldon At First

Chapter 2: Beginning of a Breakdown

He hadn't been able to shake the crippling thought since they left the apartment; especially since any form of affection Leonard tried to initiate on the way to work was met with indifference. It was tearing his heart up.

"...need for my constant attention….more important things…"

What did that mean?

They took up each other's attention most of the time, but that was normal in relationships. Did Sheldon think Leonard was trying to monopolize him? Because that wasn't the case at all. And yet, Leonard is usually pretty good at picking when he's irritating the taller man, and he had never been given any indicators.

He thought everything was going great.

He thought he finally found the one person who understood him.

He thought he finally had someone who loved him back.

"…this conversation is frankly a bore to me...need for my constant attention…"

Leonard looked up from his calculations when he heard a knock on his office door. Howard Wolowitz was standing there with his normal goofy grin and colorful attire. The physicist smiled in spite of his troubling thoughts.

"Hey, buddy," the engineer said and plopped into the chair sitting in front of his desk. "Missed you at lunch today," he said with a significant pause, crossing his legs and stretching out. "Something going on or – "

Leonard bit his lip and shook his head as nonchalantly as possible. "Nah," he tried to say with a smile. "Everything's fine!" He cleared his throat and sat a little straighter. "I'm just, you know, up to my nose in theorems and hypothetical questions from all of the graduate students at the university I've been substitute teaching for."

"Oh," Howard said and cleared his throat. "How's that been going for ya?"

"Actually," he said with a happy little sigh, "It's been fantastic. I never knew teaching someone could feel so rewarding. I think this is the most fun I've had since getting my PhD."

"Really? Wow. Never took you for the teacher type."

"You know, I didn't either," Leonard told him with a thoughtful look while putting his pen down. "But I had gone ahead and gotten my license anyway, just as a backup and a way to get some extra cash here at the university; and every time I talk to that class about the relevance of string theory or help them learn how to manipulate a laser; I just can't help but feel at peace." He smiles in spite of himself. "It's like…" he thought about it for a second. "Okay, it reminds me that I may be a scientist that's trying to better the world, but there are hundreds – maybe thousands - of others who want to help. And who knows, maybe they can even do more than me and somehow we're all …connected or something in our want for more knowledge about how things work." He smiled brightly for the first time that morning, really feeling impassioned in what he was saying. "And there's just something about…being the one who instilled that information in their minds. Like, what if because of my tutelage, they go on to cure cancer or something like that!"

Howard raised his eyebrows and chuckled a little at that, "Okay, yeah, way too deep for me."

Leonard deflated and rolled his eyes.

"You know if I didn't know better it would sound like you're changing careers?"

The physicist shook his head and sighed, "No. I'm not."

"Huh," the engineer replied with narrow eyes. "You could sound a little more passionate about your real job, then."

"Why'd you really come here?" Leonard asked, wanting to change the subject.

"I was wondering if you could explain why Sheldon was at lunch without you, cause you guys have been inseparable for months now and…well…when you came in today, you looked as if you'd like nothing better than to run home and ball your eyes out."

Leonard huffed, "Thanks, buddy," he said sarcastically while sitting up. "That makes me feel better."

"So you admit it, then?" the smaller man says with widened eyes. "There's something wrong?"

Leonard stared at his wooden desk as if asking it to give him the words he needed to process his situation with one of his closest friends. Eventually, he gave up and shrugged.

"I don't know, Howard," he grumbled out. "I mean…okay so he basically accused me of purposely eavesdropping on his conversation with his mother this morning, and then said I'm trying to be the center of his attention all the time and he didn't have time for it anymore…but that could just mean he wants to be left alone for a while and later he'll explain what was wrong."

The engineer raised an eyebrow. "Sheldon said that stuff to you?"

"More or less," the other man shrugged. "I mean, I may have exaggerated a little, but that's it in a nutshell."

"Wow," Howard said. "That's totally unexpected. I mean, you guy have just been so…cute – for lack of a better word – these last few months. I sooner expected a proposal than the beginning of another breakup for you."

Leonard groaned. "Could you not predict the worst? My mind is already thinking that, I don't need you to too."

"Well what do you need?" he asked and leaned forward. "From where I'm sitting it's to talk to loverboy."

Leonard couldn't argue with that, but it didn't necessarily make him feel better. "What if I talk to him and he does dump me?"

"What do you mean what happens? He dumps you – "

"No," he cut him off and stood up, heading for the small window overlooking the grounds of the campus. "I mean what am I gonna do, Howard? I really thought this was it for me. That I was done looking and we were making plans together!" He spins around, cursing the damn tears that have been hiding behind his eyes as they slowly begin to fall. "I really really thought he loved me." He sniffed and wiped his face. "God, now I look like a fucking girl."

"Hey, hey, hey," Howard said and came forward to give the vulnerable man a hug…if a little awkwardly. "No, you don't." There was a snort and Howard rolled his eyes, "Okay, maybe a little. But it's okay to be upset."

Leonard pulled back and shook his head. "I just don't understand what's so wrong with me, that no one ever stays!"

"Yeah, now you sound like a girl," Howard snorted.

Leonard sniffed and wiped his face again. "I'm sorry; it's not your problem. But thank you for listening, it means a lot."

"Sure," the smaller man nodded and stepped back some more. "I have to get back to the Mars Rover, I left it in the hands of Koothrappoli to come talk to you and who knows what kind of damage he's caused."

Leonard chuckled a little bit and nodded, "Yeah. Go ahead, I'm fine. Really."

Howard nodded back and eyed him critically before turning and leaving. Leonard was left preparing for the end of his life until the mail came.

Sorting through it halfheartedly, he almost missed the embossed letterhead from Harvard. Well, what could they want?

~S&L~

That night, the whole gang – including Penny – were sitting around the coffee table eating Chinese food like usual.

Everyone raised their eyebrows when Sheldon didn't object to his chicken being shredded, and Penny looked to Leonard who was doing everything he could to sink into the couch cushions. The air was charged and everyone could taste the impending doom. It made Leonard, most of all, twitchy.

This went on for a few minutes until the awkward silence finally got to the waitress/actress.

"So uh," she said around a mouthful of fried rice, "anyone wanna tell me why Shelnard" she said indicating the boyfriends with her chopsticks, "are acting like they're waiting for a bomb to go off?"

"That's ridiculous, Penny," Sheldon began and rolled his eyes at her. "I would not remain stationary, if I had any indication that a bomb were about to go off in this apartment. And further, the likelihood that someone would wish to put one in here is very slim."

Penny eyed him and snarked, "I can think of a few reasons."

Sheldon glared at her then replied, "Maybe to finish the job you started?"

Everyone paused.

You could literally hear a pin drop. Howard and Raj were frantically looking between Penny and Sheldon, and Leonard felt his heart break. He knew where this was going.

"Excuse me?" she asked. The calm in her tone not hiding the warning clearly being conveyed.

"I believe the phrase is, 'You heard me,' and the intent of my remark to be quite obvious," He told her with a smile Leonard hadn't really ever seen on his Shelly before. It was cruel and heartless, and cut him to the core. Made him grab a napkin to hide hot tears that were burning behind his eye lids as he closed them tightly, trying to block out what was coming next. "To finally be rid of Leonard and his undying passion for you, so you can finally engage in coitus with all of California and not feel guilty about it." Everyone but Leonard's jaw dropped. "I mean, I'm sure you are probably already a quarter of the way there, considering all of the men we see come out of your door; and if you count everyone in Nebraska with whom you – shall I utilize a common colloquialism – screwed, you could be even more optimistic with your projection and say half way there."

Penny threw her box of rice down on the coffee table ignoring the granules that flew around and making Raj jump. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"Sheldon, whoa, that was horrible!" Howard said in both surprise and disgust.

"I'm so sorry," Leonard told her and covered his face.

Sheldon refused to back down. "Well, I'm just being honest. Have you ever thought of hanging up a sign reading, 'Open and ready for business!'?"

"Sheldon, stop it," Leonard cried and stared at the man he loved more than he could explain with wide, red eyes. He didn't know why he was crying. It had to be the pent up stress of the day from all his overhanging fears coming true mixed with the deep pain in his gut at watching his hopes die a bloody death before his eyes. He never thought this day would come.

"Why ever would I do that?" Sheldon replied, and if possible, his voice sounded even crueler. "Do you harbor feelings for the tramp that metaphorically broke your heart and sent you crawling to me like a dying dog desperate for affection?"

The experimental physicist let out a loud sob at that, not caring or even cognizant that the others were staring at him with a mix of emotions. "Penny is not a tramp!" he yelled, noticing the very well masked flinch in his partner's face. "She's your friend!"

"Not anymore," she said and stood, heading for the door.

Leonard looked her way as he called her name. She paused and turned around, obviously pissed but also seeming as if she were on the verge of breaking down herself, but had too much pride to express it in the company she was with. Leonard envied her restraint. "I'm so sorry. Please sit down," he begs her.

"Why are you apologizing," she yelled and crossed her arms. "You did nothing wrong. Your psychotic boyfriend said you act like a 'dying dog starving for affection.' There's something wrong with that."

"And what would that be?" Sheldon said as he put his food down. "That he's my boyfriend and not yours. Is that the problem you speak of?"

"Are you fucking insane?!" She screamed and stomped over to the couch with a pointed finger. "My fucking problem is that you've gone nuts! You think you can call me a whore and get away with it? Think again. I've had it with your shit. I don't have to put up with it, I don't live here. And if Leonard had any respect for himself, he'd punch you and leave your sorry ass here alone."

"Oh, Penny," he chuckled to himself. "We both know that Lenny here has none of that. Why else would he have let you play with him as much as you did?"

Howard gaped at Sheldon, and threw his napkin down as he stood over the man hurting his friends, "If this had been any other occasion and come from any other person, I may have laughed at that; but coming from his boyfriend, that's just mean!"

The theoretical physicist stood and towered over the smaller man, with a menace in his presence that left everyone with a chill running down their spine. "I'm not certain where your opinion is relevant, but if you have objections to how I am or my honesty, no one is keeping you here."

"Damn right," he growled and grabbed Raj's arm. "Let's go, Penny."

"I'm sorry, Penny," Leonard chokes out to her as she stalks to their front door.

"Are you going to let him talk to you like that?" she whips around and asks with fierceness in her eyes and ignoring Howard's guiding hand. "You deserve so much better, Leonard."

He couldn't look her in the eye. He couldn't look at anyone. He was too embarrassed and hurt to do anything but cover his face. He didn't understand what was happening.

When the door clicked shut, the two left in the room were silent. The smaller of the two, sitting and asking himself why he was still there. It was obvious that whatever had been going on for the last three months was nothing more than a sham. A game played on his mind to make him believe he was actually lovable and worth it, and then rip it away from him as painfully as possible.

Suddenly, it came to him while watching his…well…whatever he was now sit back down and pick back up his food as if World War 3 hadn't just happened in their living room and he hadn't just told his supposed to be partner exactly how little he thought of him. And it came so suddenly he laughed.

And laughed.

He laughed because the whole thing was absurd. He had been so stupid, because it was so obvious now.

"I don't really understand what you find amusing, Leonard, care to explain?" Sheldon said in his normal tone.

The tone he fell in love with. The tone that had made him believe there was hope for himself. The tone that preempted heated kisses on the very couch they were seated on, and made him give up the last of his heart that wasn't damaged beyond repair. It turned his laughter into sobs, because that tone only left him cold now. Reminded him of what he could have had, what he almost had.

He looked to Sheldon with tears cascading down his face in waves and says, "I get it now."

Sheldon seemed confused enough to stop eating, and he took that as his cue to continue. "What this was between us." He stops short and takes his glasses off to wipe his eyes with as much dignity as he could. "Bazinga!" he cries and hollowly chuckles through the tears. "You really got me this time."

The other man narrows his eyes. "I'm not following, Leonard."

"The whole thing was a prank," he croaked out and felt his chest constrict. Slowly he stood and made his way around the coffee table, looking into eyes as green as Irish hills, he continued, "You seduced me. Made me believe I could be loved…that I was worth it and it was all just…" he trails off with a wave of his hand.

Sheldon put his food back on the coffee table with a sigh and Leonard watched as he thought out his answer carefully. After what felt like hours, he said, "Is that what you really think?"

Leonard gaped at him and sniffed shaking his head. "I don't really know what to think, Shelly. One minute I'm the center of your universe and everything is perfect; and the next I'm annoying because I am," he shouted. "One minute I'm so happy I could have self-combusted out of sheer joy, because I thought we were in love; and the next I'm so fucking sad I wanna die, because you think I'm a dog starving for affection that's asking for too much attention."

"I don't," he says firmly. Leonard looks at him with disbelief. "I'm-I'm sorry," the taller man says and steps forward, frowning when the other man stepped back.

"Don't," he says and holds up his hands.

"But Lenny – "

"No!" the smaller man yells. "You can't make me feel this way and then expect me to forgive you," he cries and wipes his nose with a curse. "It's not fair," he growls, "to expect me to hear you out. What you did was awful. We'll be lucky if Penny ever speaks to either of us again!"

Leonard was met with silence, and he shook his head feeling the tears come back full force. He so tired of crying. "I can't do this anymore. I'm too tired. I'm too emotionally exhausted to even try," he cries. Taking in a deep breath, he says, "I need some time by myself. Please leave me alone."

With that he turned around and walked as well as he could while balling his eyes out to his room, slamming the door on the way in.


	3. As the World Falls Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title: Already Gone  
> Rating: M/NC-17  
> Genre: Slash, Romance/Angst/Tragedy  
> Summary: Sheldon and Leonard have been together for three months and they were making plans for a nice future together. At least, that's what Leonard thought; until his entire world is turned upside down and he is forced to make a drastic change.  
> Warnings: M/M Sex, Homophobia and Bi-Phobia, Language, and Not So Nice Sheldon At First  
> A/N: The wording blocked off by ** is song lyrics. Song used is "Shake It Out," by Florence + The Machine.

Chapter 3: As the World Falls Apart

Leonard had been staring at the letter while wiping his steady flowing tears away since he left Sheldon in the living room.

It sat on the dark blue comforter in front of him as if in accusation. Its rich cream color and decorative letterhead glaring at him. How could he even be considering …?

He'd read it at least a hundred times. Its contents were simple enough, but the implications meant a great a deal.

It meant giving up his comfort zone. It meant being on his own…for real. Going to a city he has no friends anymore for…well for a fresh start.

A chance at a do over.

Harvard University was asking him to come back and teach their Advanced Experimental Physics course that spring. They want him to do it on a trial basis. Take a semester to consider the pros and cons, see if he likes it, and damn it…he wanted to.

Hanging his head he sighed while crossing his legs.

Teaching was never something he saw for himself.

He never had big dreams of inspiring the minds of tomorrow. He wanted to be the mind of tomorrow. He wanted to be the head of research teams, narrowing down the importance of dark matter and give solid reasoning to support string theory. He wanted to win a Nobel Prize. He wanted…well; in all honesty he had wanted to make his mother proud of him.

He wanted to be the thing she brags about. But that was ridiculous. His mother never bragged. She merely made him feel like dirt compared to his siblings to see how it affects his psyche for her own research. And yes, he didn't know that for sure, but he had a lot of reasons to believe it true. His mother was far too selfish to ever brag about anyone.

And that thought put the proverbial pin in his bubble.

If he would never be able to make his mother proud of him then what did he want?

Well, he wanted to be happy.

And ever since teaching that class he has been happy to go into work every morning. It doesn't seem like a waste of his time, or a daunting task. Standing up in front of those kids and telling them the things he had learned not that long ago and watching their minds soak it up had been the most fun he's had in his entire career.

So saying yes to the college he graduated from with honors was very tempting. And had it come three months earlier he might have even said yes, but…

But Sheldon was in his picture now. Or…maybe he wasn't. He didn't even know for sure.

All he knew was that there was a letter asking him to leave the life he built in a city he loved with people who…well cared about him…for a job he desperately wanted. And he was guilty to find he didn't have many reasons to say no.

He wanted to believe that this argument between him and the once love of his life would blow over, but he wasn't very sure of that. He wasn't even sure he wanted to go back to someone that thought of him as beneath them; because he'd been with that kind of person his whole life, and he was tired of feeling inadequate.

Penny, bless her, was one of those people too. He knew from the very beginning it would never last, but he'd been desperate to try anyway. And of course, in the end, he'd been the one left holding his shattered heart and wondering how he could re-glue it back together again for the hundredth time.

He very much didn't want to have to do that again, but he really didn't see any other choice. The break up was imminent, and Leonard needed another plan for himself. Needed a chance to heal and find who he was supposed to be.

Leaning forward he pulled it to him and read it one more time.

Dear Dr. Hofstadter,

We have received word from a Dr. Lipinski that your stepping in to teach his class has not only been helpful, but extremely beneficial. He says he has never seen his students as focused and inspired by the work they are doing, and we applaud you. Next semester your old physics professor is going to be retiring, and upon hearing the delightful news of your interest in teaching, we could not think of anyone more qualified to take his place. When you graduated here, the entire board knew you were destined for great things. We are hopeful you will consider it on a trial basis. Take six months to review your duties and assess if it is the next step in your career. If you cannot, we will understand; but know that we are doubtful to find another extraordinary individual as yourself. The offer will be good until the beginning of the next semester, and we hope to hear from you.

Regards,  
Dr. Stephen L. Warren  
Harvard University Head Master

Leonard folded it up and set it on his nightstand. He was certainly more flattering on paper than he remembered in person.

What was he going to do?

Sniffling and wiping a few more tears away, he stood to start changing when he heard soft knocking on his door.

"Leonard," he heard from Sheldon's voice, sounding more shaky than usual.

Glancing at the clock, it was after ten, well passed the other physicist's bedtime.

"Leonard?" he said again with a suspicious sounding noise. "Leonard, please."

Gathering up what was left of his courage; he gave in and opened the door. The man that held his heart in the palm of his hand was stood with tear tracks down his face and messy hair. Leonard closed his eyes and willed away the ache in his heart.

"What?" he hated that his voice was so hoarse sounding and that he couldn't even stand to look him in the eye.

"C-Can I come in?" the blue-green eyed man asked, almost desperately.

Leonard debated this for a second and settled on, "I thought I asked to be left alone?" Looking up, he saw the flinch and fought back a satisfied feeling.

"I know you did," the other man replied, unsurely. "But I just – "

The sentence dropped and the silence stretched as Leonard leaned his face against the door jam and stared at the green lantern shirt that his partner was wearing. Sniffling he shifted his eyes up to look once again at the face he dreamed about. "I don't know what you want from me, Sheldon," he said sadly. "I meant what I said earlier. You can't just expect me to forgive you for this. You – " turning his face into the wood he exhaled and looked back, "You called me a desperate dog. What do I do with that?"

Sheldon bit his lip and looked down, "I didn't mean that, Leonard. I was only – "

"Only what?" Leonard almost growled. "Trying to make me feel bad?"

"Well…yes." He hung his head with this.

The smaller man shook his head and turned around, walking into his room and sitting on his bed. Sheldon stood in the doorway, obviously trying to figure out if that was a silent welcome. Leonard didn't know if it was. After a few more moments of quiet thinking, he finally said, "It would a lot easier for me to understand where we went wrong, if you'd just tell me what's going on."

Sheldon crossed his arms and stepped forward. "I – "he started and stopped, "I can't tell you."

Leonard rolled his read rimmed eyes, "Why? Why can't you tell me?"

"Because you'll hate me."

The sentence was simple enough but rife with meaning. It caused the smaller man to look at his maybe ex more closely. "Well it can't be worse than what you've already said to me tonight, Sheldon."

The other physicist shook his head vigorously, "No, it is! You'll hate me."

"Does this have something to do with your mother, Sheldon?" he asked in an exasperated tone while studying the other man closer still. "What did she say to you, to make you think I'd hate you?"

Sheldon grabbed the side of his hair and made a noise Leonard had never heard from him before. It made him sit up straighter.

"Sheldon," he said in a concerned tone, "what is wrong?"

Sheldon shook his head and started muttering to himself, "Too many lies."

Slowly, Leonard stood and started making soothing noises, "What lies, baby? Talk to me," he begged as he stepped towards his friend of five years. This is what they needed, the truth to come out. "I want to fix this, but I can't unless you talk to me."

"You can't fix it, Leonard!" Sheldon snarled and pushed the other man away from him. "You can't! You'll never be able to!"

Stumbling a little, Leonard growled, "What the hell is going on with you, Shelly?"

"You!" The taller man shouted. Leonard jerked backwards as if burned. "You are what is going on with me! You-You made me this way!"

"Excuse me?" Leonard yelled, "I made you what way?"

"Gay! You made me love you! You-You poisoned me!" Sheldon spat and shoved Leonard again, causing him to fall backwards on the bed. "You tricked me into thinking I was attracted to you and act like a depraved hedonist. Just like you!"

**Regrets collect like old friends**

"What the fuck are you on about?" the shorter physicist shrieked and jumped back up, standing toe-to-toe with the other man.

**Here to relive your darkest moments**

"People aren't gay by nature!" Sheldon told him with eyes dark with anger. "It's a choice, and you-you seduced me with your vulnerability and big moon eyes! You were practically begging for it, when Penny left you. And it's no mystery as to why. You're desperate, and disgusting, and my mother was right! What I feel couldn't be real, because two men can never love each other! It isn't possible, least of all with you!" he screamed.

Leonard shoved Sheldon as hard as he could in the chest, "I made you love me? I did that?!" he said low and dangerously back, watching in satisfaction as he tripped and fell against the door jam. "You kissed me, first. Not the other way around! I didn't prance around this apartment crooking my finger at you and beg you to fuck me! You are a pathetic little loser who has more problems than Sybil and I stayed and endured every single one of them!"

"Leonard!" he heard from the living room and the door slam shut. It was Penny.

Not tearing his eyes away from the panting man in front of him he called for her. Within a second she was standing behind his official ex. "I don't know what she made you believe, Sheldon, but this relationship has been a two way street since it started. I never forced you into anything!"

"What is going on," Penny asked.

"Nothing that concerns you, corn husking slut," Sheldon hissed.

Before Penny could, Leonard pulled his fist back and punched him in the face. He watched the man crumble to the floor and let out a sob himself. That was the last straw. "Can I stay at yours tonight?" he asked the blonde.

**I can see no way, I can see no way**

"Yeah, of course," she responds, noticing the sheer will in his face to keep composure.

"Good." He says and turns to his dresser. Pulling out his night clothes, he says to Sheldon, "I'm taking another job. Harvard has asked me to be the professor of their physics course this spring. And after this, I have no reason to say no."

**And all of the ghouls come out to play  
And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
But I like to keep some things to myself**

He slams the drawer shut as the other man stood, a bruise starting to form on his cheek.

Penny seems shocked, but wisely says nothing. Looking back at Sheldon he says, "You're going to need to find a new roommate. I'll be gone within a week."

**I like to keep my issues strong**

As he tries to go around him, Sheldon grabs his elbow. Leonard flinches, expecting to be shoved like before but is stunned to find the soft lips he adored covering his own. There's a moment when he remembers those lips being the thing to keep him going, the mouth so flavorful of mint and something uniquely Sheldon. Quickly he pulled back, "You don't have that right anymore."

He followed Penny to the living room, fighting the urge to turn around and buckle under. He needed to do this for himself. He needed to find the thing that made him happy and not compromise and be what everyone else wants. He's thirty-three years old. It was time to grow up.

"Leonard, wait," the soft voice called, he paused but didn't turn around.

He thought his words over carefully, and then said, "I can't do this anymore. That's why I need to leave. I can't keep changing to make someone else happy, just because I love them. I deserve love no matter how I am. And I thought I had that with you, but I don't."

Opening the door, he felt a little freer than he had before in his life. He would start taking control. He could do this.

**It's always darkest before the dawn**

Over the next week, he secured a new apartment, quit his current job, boxed up his belongings and got himself ready for his do over. The university was actually very supportive, and told him they'd always have a position for him if he ever came back. He had never realized they actually liked him there.

Sheldon never said another word to him, and he couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. He had to stay strong. If he thought about it too much, he'd lose his nerve. There was always going to be a big part of him that would want the other man to beg him to stay, but the anti-social physicist wasn't that way. Leonard needed to accept that, and he had mostly. He probably won't get the closure he wants before he goes, and that was fine.

Once or twice, Penny tried to ask why he had to leave for Boston in order to find himself; but he simply said it was the same as her leaving Omaha. He knew it was her roundabout way of saying she was going to miss him. He would miss her too. Despite their epic fail of a relationship, she had become one of his best friends.

But he had to open his eyes to his mistakes and own them. Move on from them. He couldn't move on and find where he belonged with so many reminders of his failure constantly staring him in the face.

**And I've been a fool and I've been blind  
I can never leave the past behind  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
I'm always dragging that horse around  
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound  
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground**

On the morning of his leaving, he packed the last box in the moving van and made sure the guys knew where they were going. His friends stood by the door, watching him silently. Howard would be taking him to the airport.

**So I like to keep my issues strong**

Stepping back onto the curb, he watched the van pull away and felt a piece of his heart go with it. It was really happening. Grabbing hold of his hand, he looked over his shoulder to see penny crying. Wrapping her in a hug, he smiled despite his sadness. It was really happening.

**But it's always darkest before the dawn  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh woah**

"I don't want you to go," she cried into his neck.

He hugged her tighter. "You know better than anyone that I have to do this."

"I'm gonna kill him for hurting you this bad, you know?" She whispered, only half kidding.

He chuckled and pulled back, "I know you're still pissed at him, but…try to forgive him? For me? Try to let things be as normal as possible – "

"Sweetie," she laughed, "With you nerds, my life is never normal." They both laughed. "But I promise to watch out for him, if you promise to call me. All the time. I don't want – I don't want you to forget me as you start a new fancy life."

He shook his head, "I would never forget you. Never."

Hugging her once more, he moved onto Raj. He nearly fell over as the astrophysicist jumped on him and balled into his neck, sobbing in a mix of Indian and English. "Raj! Raj!" he choked out, "I can't breathe!"

"Oh sorry," he sniffled. "Skype me," he demanded.

That's when Leonard smelled it, "Are you drunk?"

"I had to be able to say goodbye, dude!" he told him, indicating Penny with a tilt of the head. "And I had to ask you, do I have permission to have my way with her? I've been working on my charm – "

"If you can remember this part of the conversation later, and actually speak to her not drunk, then see what happens." He says dryly, and pulls him in for one last guy hug. "See you around."

Getting in the car, he couldn't stop the wish that Sheldon would come bursting through the doors to say goodbye. He sniffled when he realized the other man really was going to let him leave without saying anything at all. Pulling away, he didn't notice the tall man watching from around the bushes.

**I am done with my graceless heart  
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart**

The drive to the airport was silent, save for the murmured word every now and again. It was as if Howard didn't know what to say.

**Cause I like to keep my issues strong  
It's always darkest before the dawn**

"I feel like I'm supposed to say something insightful," he eventually said, quietly.

Leonard looked over at him, shifting the bag in his lap.

"You're my best friend, and I can't even give you a proper goodbye," he told Leonard and cleared his throat.

Leonard smiled at him. "That's a good enough one for me, man. You're my best friend too."

Coming to a stop light, Howard took in a breath. "When I started at the university, you were the first person that talked to me," he says and sniffs. "We met Raj the next day, but you – I'll never forget how you just sat down and acted like we had known each other for years." He chuckled. "Thank you for that."

Leonard smiled at his friend, "Don't get emotional on me, Wolowitz, or I'll have to call you a girl."

They both laughed.

**Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa**

"It's not like we'll never see each other, you know?" the physicist supplied. "There's Skype and the phone and – "

"And shut up or I am going to get emotional over this and be calling myself a pussy."

Leonard laughed then sobered when he saw the tears in the other man's eyes. "Hey, Howard, look." The other man sniffed and nodded his head. "You've been a good friend, but I need this. For myself, okay? I need to be more than the physicist that lives with a neurotic roommate and dates people who can never love him back. I need to find Leonard Hofstadter."

"Funny," Howard says, "I think he's sitting with me now."

**And given half the chance would I take any of it back  
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone  
It's always darkest before the dawn**

Standing at the gate, Leonard breathed in and out slowly. His number's been called. So why can't he move forward?

**And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't  
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope**

"Now boarding, position A seats 31 through 36."

Pulling out his phone he checks his messages again. Sheldon isn't going to say anything. He doesn't know why he's stalling. He doesn't know he's holding onto the useless hope that his ex could somehow convince him to stay.

"Sir," the man behind him says, "It's your turn."

Looking up he realized it was now or never. And ironically the man was right in more way than one. It was his turn. He deserved this.

The flight attendant scanned his boarding pass and handed it back with a smile. "Welcome aboard."

**And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope  
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat**

"Yeah," he answered and stepped forward, feeling the tears fall with every step down the corridor toward the plane.

**Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me  
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me**

As he sat down in his seat near the window, Leonard finally let the tears fall. This was it. He was leaving, and there was a possibility he may never be back.

The man sitting next to him, raised his eyebrow as he got comfortable and then indiscreetly pulled out his earphones to block out the quiet sobs coming from Leonard. He didn't care though, today would be the last day he cried over this part of his life. He was moving on.

**Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeeeahh!**

"Good afternoon, Pasadena, this is your captain speaking…"

He closed his eyes and whispered to the window, "Goodbye, Sheldon."

Fifteen minutes later, he was at ten thousand feet and headed for his fresh start.

**Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whooaa  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoaa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa**

Sheldon stared out the window of his living with tears streaming down his own face and a bottle of wine sitting on the window sill. "Goodbye, Leonard," he cried. Knowing he would never be able to say what he wanted to, and desperately hoping Leonard would find the find video he stashed in his bag.

"I love you," he sniffled. Looking at his phone, he wondered if it was the alcohol talking, but he wanted to call his mother and tell her she didn't have to worry about his soul anymore; because it's left him for good.

**Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whooaaa  
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whooaa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa**


	4. Here Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title: Already Gone  
> Rating: M/NC-17  
> Genre: Slash, Romance/Angst/Tragedy  
> Summary: Sheldon and Leonard have been together for three months and they were making plans for a nice future together. At least, that's what Leonard thought; until his entire world is turned upside down and he is forced to make a drastic change.  
> Warnings: M/M Sex, Homophobia and Bi-Phobia, Language, and Not So Nice Sheldon At First  
> A/N: The beginning section blocked off by **//** is a dream sequence.   
> Can anyone guess what Leonard doesn't realize about the new OMC that's being introduced here in this chapter?

Chapter Four: Here Without You

**//**  
It was dark.

That much he knew.

Where he was standing was shifting. What he was reaching for kept pulling away. What he wanted kept leaving.

Nothing stuck.

At least, he didn't think so. It was dark. He couldn't see anything. Much of what he thought was moving and leaving, probably didn't even exist. And as he continued to stand still, he began wondering if anything was real. Was he real? How can something be real when you couldn't feel it?

Frantically he touched what should be himself but only felt air.

No!

It couldn't be true.

He was real, damn it. He was. Why couldn't he feel anything?

He screamed, but no voice came out. He felt as if he was drowning, but there was no water.

Was he sinking? Sinking into nothingness? Where was – oh.

Suddenly the world around him began to lighten, and blurry images began to play. Images of happy days. They made him smile.

Sitting on the couch in his spot, watching Leonard type and chatter away excitedly over his new research.

Sharing some of his shredded chicken with Leonard since Penny took the last of his shrimp when he got up to fetch some coffee.

Watching Leonard laugh genuinely at something he said and feeling as if he were totally content hearing that deep, sexy sound.

Studying Leonard's face full of bliss after their first kiss in front of the theatre and their friends and wanting to be able to put that look there as much as possible.

Lying on the roof with a picnic blanket and some food for their first real date, and being too busy staring at Leonard to even pay attention to any of the stars – a first for him.

Basking in the warmth he felt whenever Leonard would call him "baby," or "sweetheart" while giving him a clear look into the beautiful brown eyes he has that held so much love.

It made his chest cavity ache. He had had that in his life every day.

The area grew darker as the images took a depressing turn.

Pushing Leonard away after his mother called to further berate him about his relationship with another man, and hating his cold tone even as he spoke.

Watching the light die in the beautiful eyes after calling him unforgivable things he didn't mean even a little bit.

Being punched in face and secretly wanting Leonard to do it again to try and take away how horrible he felt.

Drinking until he vomited after watching Leonard leave in Howard's mother's car for the airport and Boston, and crying until he passed out when he realized there was nothing he could ever say to apologize for the damage he caused.

Now he remembered why he was originally in the dark place he was before. He didn't want to be real anymore. Being real meant enduring the pain of the huge mistake he made and continuing to go without Leonard.

Leonard left. It was his entire fault. He had the best thing that could ever happen to him right in front of him and he sent it away because he didn't want his family to cut him completely out of their life. He couldn't stand the thought of not being accepted by the people who were supposed to love him most, so he got rid of the person who did.

It would be much easier to not exist.

Unfortunately, nothing ever happens as you want it to.  
**//**

He opened his eyes and stared at the bottle of Pinot on his nightstand with disdain.

There's a banging around coming from somewhere in his apartment, and Sheldon wants nothing more than to close his eyes and not worry about it, but the lingering respect for his routines trumps his newfound sloth. He was twenty minutes past his seven AM time to wake up. No matter how depressed and somewhat alcoholic he may be now, there were no excuses for being late. Even if he hadn't actually worked on his research for the last four months, and much of the things that littered his desk and waited for him were letters asking where his progress was.

Gingerly he crawled out of the cocoon he had created for the night and struggled to keep his balance as the blood rushed to his now numb body and out of his pounding head, making him dizzy and not a little nauseous. He leans forward and grabbed the dresser that stood on the left side of his bed before dry heaving. No matter how many times he's done this in the last four months, he can never get used to the taste of dead cat at the back of his throat.

That makes him dry heave again.

Eventually, he made his way down the hall into the living area, where he found Penny in the kitchen making French toast.

"Good morning," she greeted with a slightly apathetic tone.

Sheldon rubbed his head and nodded at her, before heading for the drawer with the Tylenol.

"It's on the counter," she told him without even looking from the stove.

Sheldon shot her a look before seeing the two white pills and glass of water. Swallowing it quickly Sheldon sat on the bar stool and buried his face in his hands. The smell of the French toast would be enticing to anyone who didn't feel as though they were about to puke until their intestines were coming out of their mouths. However, since Sheldon did feel that way, the smell was making him even sicker than he already felt.

"You need something on your stomach," she tells him as she grabs a nearby plate and begins putting a few pieces on it. "Alcohol and no food is not a good combination."

Sheldon gagged when it was put in front of him. "Excuse me," he coughed slightly, "but I believe in my case hangovers and food is not a good combination."

Penny plated her own food and clucked her tongue. "No I believe alcohol, hangovers, and Sheldon are not a good combination; but since that's what we have here, you need to eat. You can't just dry heave, it'll make it worse."

Sheldon groaned and reluctantly picked up a fork as the blonde poured some coffee for herself.

They were silent for a moment, the clinking of silverware and the sounds of liquid being sipped the only soundtrack, until Penny decided to break it.

"So," she began after swallowing her last bite, "how's being miserable treating you? Ready to try and win Leonard back or," she took another sip of her coffee, "are ya gonna keep drinking yourself into an early grave and pretending no one knows?"

Sheldon put down his fork and rolled his eyes as well he could without causing his headache to get worse. "I am not capable of winning Leonard back, Penny. He is not a prize to be won."

"Spoken like a man in love," she grinned and shrugged, "if a little cheesy. You could work on your charm a little for when you beg him to take you back."

"There will be no begging," Sheldon said determinedly. "There is nothing to beg for. He left. He had every right to, seeing as he is an adult and able to make his own decisions." He took another small bite and forcefully swallowed. "There is also the looming fact that I am the cause for his leave," with a frustrated sigh, he rubs his eyes.

"Yeah," she agrees while putting the mixing bowl in the sink in order to wash it, "you were an asshole." Flicking on the faucet, she turns to grab the other utensils she cooked with and put them in the bowl that was quickly filling up with warm water. "You were an asshole to me too," she points out, "and I forgave you."

"He doesn't wish to speak to me," Sheldon tells her sadly.

"How would you know?" she asks and turns the faucet off. "You've never actually tried to contact him, and I would know if you did cause I talk to him all the time."

"I gave him a DVD," he says with a shake of his head. "I hid it in his carry-on bag. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have after watching it. But he obviously doesn't because he never responded."

Penny turned, still holding the dish rag and soapy spatula, shocked at what he just revealed to her. "What?"

Sheldon groaned, "My headache and nauseated state is in no way ready to deal with your inane phrases that serve no intellectual point."

Penny glared without any real heat before putting the spatula back in the sink. Coming forward, she asked as gently as possible, "When in the hell did you do that?"

Taking a long swig of his water, the tall physicist shrugged. Actually shrugged. Sheldon never shrugged. "Before he left," was his simple response.

"Well," she recovers after taking a moment to process what had just been told to her, "how do you even know he found it?"

The physicist has no answer for that. Truth be told, he wouldn't have even known what to say if Leonard had called him. It was merely a last ditch effort as some would say. He had thought that if the other man could visually see how he felt, then maybe he could…well, he didn't really know.

It had been impulsive to say the least, and utterly foolish.

If Leonard was angry enough to leave for the other side of the country, why would he be persuaded to come back over a small DVD?

Why was he even still hoping he would come back?

He didn't realize he had the last part out loud, until he felt his neighbor's soft hand touching his own, "Because you love him, sweetie. That doesn't go away with a little time and distance. At least, not for you guys. You got the big love of the century!" she smiled at him.

Sheldon gave a derisive snort. "There is no such thing as 'big love.' In truth, there is really no such thing as love. It's endorphins that are released in the brain that simulate euphoria and people have labeled as 'love' in order to justify the baser sexual urges we have for one another as primates."

Penny scowled. "If that's true, then why don't you believe in sex? It satisfies our 'baser sexual urges.'" She says with air quotes.

"It's not that I don't believe in sex," he tells her as calmly as possible. "It's that our genitalia serve the purpose of procreation, and since I have no want for offspring I have never utilized them accordingly."

"Well, you certainly wouldn't be able to procreate offspring with Leonard, so are you telling me you planned on having a serious relationship with no sexual components at all?" She pointed out. "Cause I'm thinking your nether primate," she pointed to his crouch, which caused Sheldon to cross his legs and hide his forming blush, "would eventually convince you that coming out play is grand idea. Hell, maybe not even full on sex, but at least intimate touching and mutual orgasms would have been a start."

He opened his mouth then closed it and took his own turn to scowl. "I was merely pointing out the scientific fact that love is in fact a chemical reaction," he basically growled, causing Penny to raise her eyebrows. "Because it is. Our 'feelings' are dictated by chemicals in the brain. For example, you made me French toast." He said, gesturing to his mostly full plate. "A trigger response is fired in my brain that releases the appropriate chemicals we label as gratitude."

"That is completely dehumanizing though, Sheldon," Penny tells him with an exasperated sigh.

"How so?" he asks snidely with another sip of water. "It's the way our human bodies are scientifically designed. Some would call it beautiful. And as a scientist I look at things scientifically. How can searching for the beauty of scientific facts be dehumanizing?"

"Because it's utter bullshit!" She yells.

Sheldon leans back on the bar stool crossing his rams.

"You're just afraid," she continued impassioned. "You're afraid of losing yourself in someone else, and sex is the way we do that. It's how two people become one, and don't say two things cannot occupy the same space. I've had enough of your science crap today." She huffed, "You want so desperately, Sheldon, to take emotions out of things; and sometimes you're successful. But in the end you'll always fail because emotions – love – is what makes us human. You take away love and compassion and desire and all we'll be is a bunch of knuckle-dragging monkeys."

He tensed his shoulders a little bit before looking away, not wanting to hear the truth of what the blonde was saying. In the last four months, a lot had changed in Sheldon – including his new found want to hide from people challenging his ideals.

"The truth is, you do love Leonard and you know you do; but it scares you because love can't be measured in a lab or tested on rats," she smirked at him when she saw him roll his eyes. Softer, she continued, "You want something you can hold in your hands and manipulate to work how you want it to, because that's how you are with everything. But this kind of stuff doesn't work that way. So you throw around these big words and scientific explanations to detach yourself from people, cause it's easier than accepting the fact that you're clueless when it comes to feelings."

The physicist looked at her with sad eyes, feeling more exposed and vulnerable than he had since he watched his boyfriend walk out their front door telling him it was over. "I'm not clueless, Penny," he says with a hoarse voice. "I wish I was, but I'm not. And that's just the way it is."

With that he slid off his bar stool and silently walked back to his room to get changed, wishing he had never woken up from the black abyss he dreamt of.

~L&S~

"…and when you put the isotope reactor just…so…" A long haired Leonard told the class watching him closely as he lined the beam up with appropriate spot, "…it finishes the circle." He grinned up at everyone who nodding their heads and furiously scribbling down their notes. "So, there you have it. I betcha never knew this stuff could be so easy, huh?"

All of the students let off a mix of chuckles and snorts which made Leonard's heart warm. Seeing the young people before him happy and understanding what was being taught gave him great pride in his work. Not to mention them. He had known coming to Boston that he loved teaching, but he hadn't known just how much.

Glancing at the clock, he cleared his throat and flicked the switch on the machine, "Well that does it for today. Your exam is on Thursday, so be ready. You might be a smart bunch, but you know I don't pull any punches. If you want to be good scientists, you have to challenge yourself. And I intend to do just that. Have a good evening."

With that, everyone began collecting their things and filing out the large oak doors, leaving the physicist to clean up his desk.

It had been four months to the day since he left Pasadena.

This thought passed through his mind as he stacked some papers that needed grading and grabbed his briefcase. While shoving them in he pushed a small bundle of his curly locks behind his ear and sighed. He had decided to let it grow for a change, embrace his dark waves and try on a different look. He liked it…mostly. Made him look a little younger, freer. Less like the thirty-three year old single scientist that lives with cat named Dotty that he was.

He had found her alone and covered in mud and maybe even sewage, just basically waiting to become rat food three and half months ago. He was getting in late because the T line had been delayed and being still pretty new to the area he was living in, he took the wrong stop. Not to mention it was raining, pretty hard. So he was tired, pissed, lost, and wet. But then he heard the rather pathetic sounding meows and couldn't force himself to leave without checking to see what it was. When he found her, his heart melted at how small she was. He had taken pity on the poor girl and took her home with him. Cleaning her up and making an appointment for a vet visit.

Now Dotty was the queen of his roost, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Except, sometimes he wondered if had just been using her as a fill for the person sized void that was lingering in his heart. His mother would probably have a field day with that train of thought, so he decided to quit while he was ahead.

He was happy.

No, he really was. He felt like he had a direction, a purpose. He wasn't measuring data started by someone else, or sleeping with little old ladies for extra funding, or answering to a director that took great amusement in demanding impossible feats from him on an even more impossible deadline.

For the most part, he worked for himself. Sure he was employed by Harvard, but they weren't looking over his shoulder scrutinizing ever tiny little thing. They treated him like an equal. And his kids, as he refers to them most of the time, were soaking up everything faster than even he had at their age. He felt like he was inspiring people, and that was a good feeling.

A great feeling!

It's just…today is the four month anniversary of leaving Pasadena…and he doesn't know why he feels it more now than he did before. Maybe because he's never really allowed himself to go through those memories. He's been happy leaving them locked away in a secret place in his heart.

He's over it. Opening all that up isn't necessary. Yes, he was devastated, but now he's pretty much indifferent. Things were said. Decisions were made. That's all there is.

And yeah, leaving had been the hardest thing he ever did. Harder than putting himself through college while still graduating at the top of his class and on time. Harder than writing and delivering his dissertation to get his PhD. Harder than getting and keeping his job at CalTech.

Leaving his friends, his home, his…he doesn't want to think about it. It's not conducive to the life he's built for himself.

He's happy. He is.

Putting the last sheet in his bag, he slung it over his shoulder and headed for the exit himself. Half way to the cafeteria, he realized he had forgotten his lecture recording and headed back to the hall.

"Dr. Hofstadter!" A deep, male voice called from behind causing him to stop and turn around slightly.

The sight before his eyes made him do a double take and feel his face start to flush. The man was tall, well-built but not overly muscular, had a strong jawline and chiseled face, with light brown hair and blue eyes. This stranger was very attractive in his dark slacks and light button up shirt with a loose tie. There was something familiar there too, that the smaller physicist couldn't put his finger on, but he brushed that aside.

He didn't look to be a student, but he also didn't look to be any kind of science professor. So, Leonard was confused. What in the hell was he doing talking to him?

"Yes?" he finally asked hoping that came out a little more confident than he felt.

The man finally stood directly in front of him and stuck out his hand which the smaller man took after a moments hesitation, "I'm Kyle Ramsey. The new English Literature professor."

Nodding his head and continuing to shake the hand wrapped around his much smaller one, Leonard said, "It's nice to meet you, Kyle." Having been mesmerized by the 1000 watt smile obscuring his vision of anything resembling rational thought, he didn't realize he was still holding the man's hand. Then, remembering, dropped it with a blush. Shyly, he continued, "You can just call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter makes me feel old, like I'm talking to one of my students."

Laughing, Kyle nodded his head. "That makes sense," he grinned and made Leonard's stomach flip.

He felt like a virgin teenage girl, blushing and stuttering because the captain of the football team said hi to him. What was he doing? Four months ago, today, he got his heart run through the meat grinder by the guy he thought would last forever! Why was he flirting with this-this…God, this guy was sexy. What was he thinking about before?

"Uh," he mumbled and shook his head a little bit, before clearing his throat, "Don't take this wrong way, Kyle, but why are you talking to me?"

Kyle titled his angelic face a little; his soft looking hair moving with the motion and making Leonard bite his tongue to keep from letting an embarrassing sound slip. "Why wouldn't I talk to you?"

Letting off a short laugh, he said, "Because I'm a Physics professor. You're an English professor." Kyle stared at him as he let the sentence hang, obviously not understanding the train of thought. Leonard smiled then, "We are in two completely different realms. Science and English. It's not something that usually crosses over. So I'm kind of confused as to why you're talking to me. Not that I don't like it, it's just…strange."

Kyle took his turn to offer up a chuckle, "Haven't you ever heard that opposites attract?"

That widened his eyes and made him cough. The statement hit a little closer to home than he let himself process, so he cleared his throat, "Uh. Yeah. But…"

"Truth is, I've followed your work for a while now, and when I heard you were teaching here too I just had to meet you."

If possible his eyes widened further, "You know my work?"

"Yes," Kyle grinned. "It's very brilliant. If it weren't for you, we would never know how to finish the research the Egyptians began in relation to the density of dark matter. Granted, it wasn't complete, but no one else was brave enough to attempt to try using controversial studies; and as a literary minded person first, your portrayal on paper captivated me. You speak about your theorems as if they were a maiden in waiting for her prince. You being the prince."

Blushing like mad now, he says in an octave higher than usual, "Me being the prince, heh. I-I never thought of it like that." Shaking his head as if to clear it, he asked, "What made you want to read about my work?"

Appearing shocked, the English professor said, "You are one of the great minds of our generation, Leonard. It's an honor to read your work. You should proud of what you've done!"

Scoffing, he mutters, "Tell that to my mother."

"I'm serious," the man said and placed one his Hercules-esque hands on the smaller man's shoulders. It sent a shiver down his spine and made the spot it was resting become full of tingles he hasn't felt in months. "Look," Kyle continued, "I have a class I'm lecturing in a half hour, so I need to go set up, but…maybe tomorrow we can get a coffee?"

The physicist bit his lip, "Uh, I – " he studied the man's eyes for second. There were blue-blue. Like the rich kind of clue you see on tapestries or in fine paintings. Mesmerizing him in their beauty. "Yeah, okay," he mumbles and then smiles a little dopily. "I'm free between eleven and two. My Intro to Physics class is at two-thirty."

"Great!" Kyle said enthusiastically. "I'll meet you in the Grand Hall at noon."

"Okay, yeah," he nodded. Apparently that was the only words he knew now.

Stepping back, Kyle threw him a, "It was wonderful talking to you, Leonard."

Leonard blinked.

Did a mythical Greek god just ask him out?

He blushed and realized that, yes. Yes he did.

~L&S~

Cheesecake factory was bustling with people, setting Sheldon's nerves on edge.

He didn't understand why he was there.

Well, okay, Penny insisted he go because Howard had asked for him to be present; but what he was confused about was why the engineer would ask him to join him for dinner with Raj. They hadn't hung out in at least a month, and that was if you counted trading insults after having bumped into one another in the lunch line as hanging out. Since Leonard's leave, Sheldon hadn't been hosting Halo nights or…well…anything. He had become a recluse, with the exception of Penny; and he was pretty sure she only stuck it out because of some misguided want to watch out for him…and the free coffee.

Mostly the free coffee.

The hostess recognized him immediately and took him to sit at their once usual table. The tall man fought the urge to become nostalgic, but he couldn't ignore the memories that flooded his mind.

Sitting, laughing with his boyfriend while discussing the day's events with their friends and watching the different emotions flick across his face. Sheldon always watched him. Studied him. Wanted to take in every twitch of his strangely innocent eyes or quirk of his perfect cupid's bow lips. Secretly imaging all the things he wanted to…

He shook his head. Such thoughts were frivolous and a waste of his time.

"Sheldon?" the voice was Raj and he looked up to see Howard standing there next to him. "Wow, dude, I didn't expect you to come."

While they sat down, he muttered, "Well, I wasn't given much of a choice. Penny insisted."

"It's great to see you, buddy," the astrophysicist continued. "Really."

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not here on a social call or to rehash any stories of the good ole days, just so you know. If that's why I've been forced to attend, then I can make this short."

"No," Howard spoke up for the first time. "No, I didn't want you to be here to talk about…what happened."

Penny showed up right as he was about to respond. "Hey boys," she smiled.

"Hi, Penny," Howard greeted warmly which confused the physicist. Since when were they buddy-buddy?

"Have you told him yet?" She asked in badly disguised nervous tone.

"No, not yet, but while you're here might be a good time to," he answers her with a sigh and Raj puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Brows drawn inward, the clearly out-of-the-loop man asked, "Tell me what?" Looking over to Penny, he narrowed his eyes, "You know I hate surprises. What is going on?"

"To cut to the chase, Sheldon, I'm getting married. And I want you to be one of my groomsmen." Howard says in a long breath.

Dumbfounded, the tall awkward man was lost for words as he stared at his…friend…in shock.

Penny took that as her cue to continue for the now nervous looking engineer, "Sweetie, Howard would really appreciate your support in this…"

Finding his voice, he ignored her by cutting her off, "To whom?" And no one missed the demanding and angry tone he used.

"Well, uh," Howard swallowed. "A microbiologist named Bernadette." He moved his napkin and fiddled with his fork as he continued, "She works here with Penny."

Turning his glare to Penny, he hissed, "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"Because, Sheldon," Howard said in a firmer, more confident tone that was strange to his ears, "I asked her not to."

"Why?" he demanded again. "Why didn't you tell me then?"

With a frustrated noise, "Well, for one, you haven't exactly been available for the last few months. I think we've talked a total of one time, if you don't count passing nods here and there in the halls."

"Guys," Penny says gently, braking up the glaring contest, "I got other tables. So is it the usual?"

Sheldon glanced up at her, "I'm not hungry."

Looking at him over her note pad, she says pointedly, "You need to eat, Sheldon."

Raj looks up at Penny and then down at Sheldon, not understanding the silent conversation going on. But Howard's barely restrained expression told him whatever wasn't being said was a pretty big problem.

"Yeah, Sheldon," the engineer goaded. "You need to eat."

Face twitching, he replied, "As I stated before, I'm not here on a social call."

Rolling her eyes, she scribbled something down and mumbled, "Whatever."

After she left, the entire table was silent until Raj spoke up, "I don't know what is going on here."

"If what you said earlier is true, Wolowitz, why inform me now of your impending nuptials?" Sheldon asked, ignoring their Indian friend completely. "Why even ask me to be a part of your wedding party?"

"Because," Howard said in as neutral a tone as possible, "despite everything, you are one of my best friends; and I happen to want your support."

Sheldon scoffed and crossed his arms.

"Dude," Raj cut in, "friends are supposed to be happy for one another…"

"Oh, I am," Sheldon said in a tone that clearly said he wasn't. "Finally Wolowitz can stop embarrassing himself in his foolish and often affable attempts at wooing women. It is quite lucky you've actually found one willing to put up with your constant overly sexualized behavior and ridiculous comments." Looking back to the Jew he sneered, "Tell me. How much did you have to lie? Does she know you still live with your mother because you have issues in letting her go, and not because she wants you there?"

Grinding his teeth, Howard growled, "Cut it out, Sheldon."

"Cut what out?" Sheldon exclaimed. "Speaking the truth? If we're such good friends, you would want to hear my opinion."

"And what would that be? Huh?" the Jew angrily asked. "Cause I certainly got a few of my own, if we're in sharing mode."

"I still don't understand what's going on," the Indian said. "Sheldon, why are you so upset about Howard being in love and engaged?"

"Because love is an overrated liar," Sheldon practically yells. Raj looks taken aback and Howard merely rolls his eyes. "I am so tired of being preached to about it. Sure, she'll love you for now, but don't be looking for a kind word from me when realizes what a sleaze you are and leaves."

"You use words like 'sleaze' now?" Raj gapes.

"Don't worry, I won't be looking to you for anything. But just so we're clear, it's not my fault you were an ass to Leonard and lost the only person who has ever actually loved and understood you and now you're bitter and alone."

Tensing up, Sheldon stuttered but the engineer kept on going, "It's not anyone's fault you're a coward and didn't stand up to your mom, even though you know he would have for you had the roles been reversed."

Feeling tears come to the fore, Sheldon turned away from the voice and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't want to be forced to feel anything anymore.

"It's most certainly not anyone's fault that you are so fucking stubborn you couldn't even say goodbye, or maybe fight for him to stay. You just let him leave," he was on a roll and couldn't hold it in anymore after months of staying out of it and didn't notice the tears spilling over pale cheeks or Penny coming over with a tray of drinks. "And goddamn it, it's not anybody's fault you've become an alcoholic! So don't go projecting your bullshit onto me!"

The drinks on the tray slid a little from the shock on Penny's face.

Forgetting his selective mutism, Raj exclaimed, "He's a what?!"

Sheldon shook his head and sniffed before silently getting up from the table. Narrowly avoiding Penny, he pushes his chair in and starts to walk away.

Howard, closing his eyes, said, "Wait, I'm sorry. I didn't ask you to be here to talk about any of that."

Sheldon shook his head and wiped his face as he turned around. "It's fine, Howard. You were correct in saying it isn't anyone's fault but my own. However, I didn't need a list of the reasons why he left. I'm painfully aware of each and every one. Especially since today marks four months."

Raj not so subtly elbows his best friend in the ribs, which the engineer managed not to make a sound of pain from.

"Congratulations on your engagement," he continues, "but I don't think I can be involved in the way you want me to. I'll attend, but that will be the extent of what I can offer. I wish I could this was nice, but I think it would be fruitless." Nodding to the waitress, he mumbles, "Penny." And turns on his heel.

Time to go start forgetting what he didn't want to remember.

~L&S~

Leonard was staring at the phone in his hands for what felt like hours.

Howard had called right after he go home. Which in itself wasn't weird. They talked all the time. It was the purpose of the call that took him by surprise.

Engaged?

Like seriously, what the hell?

At first he had been hurt that his best friend hadn't told him about even being involved with someone, but then after his explanation for why Leonard understood. The engineer felt guilty for being happy with someone when he knew two of his closest friends were anything but.

And rationally speaking, Leonard knew he didn't mean anything by withholding the truth from him. It just stung that the man thought he would have been anything but supportive and happy for him. He thought they were closer than that.

And yet…engaged.

Just, wow. Howard Wolowitz was getting married.

He couldn't quite wrap his arms around the thought. He was happy for him. He was. It was just such a shock that it's left him kind of stupefied.

Engaged.

Finally setting the phone down he rubbed his eyes. It had been a long day, and now an even longer night. For no doubt he wouldn't sleep much after that bombshell. It meant a lot more than just being happy for his friend, it meant…going back.

Wolowitz asked him to be one of his groomsmen, and what was he going to say? No?

Of course not.

Which in and of itself is fine. He has finally gotten himself where he can face going back to Pasadena for a week to celebrate his friend's marriage. In fact, he was beyond touched that the guy would even ask him to be a part of his wedding party.

The reason he was stressed was because…it meant having to Sheldon again.

That caused a painful lurch in his heart.

Fuck.

Sighing he stands and heads to his bedroom where Dotty was curled up on his bed. Smiling at her, he lays down and lets her stretch out so her head is resting against his stomach.

The wedding was in a month and a half. In four weeks, he had to get his shit together and be ready to face down his ex.

Closing his eyes he cursed again.


End file.
